[T]he Zamboni leaves the line with alacrity (revved to its 3000-rpm redline), rockets up to 9.7 mph and then stays at exactly that speed for the full 200-ft. length of the rink. Those old myths that you will "black out" or "be unable to breathe" at speeds above 9.5 mph proved to be completely untrue. I was perfectly comfortable, once I got over the excitement, and felt no ill effects then or later.
There's not much luggage space, unless you dump the snow, and $50,000 is a lot of money for any sport ute with a top speed of only 9.7 mph.
(The page also contains links to previous April Fool's stories.)