Raymond rewrites newspaper headlines, episode 2


The local community newspaper featured a color photograph of a twelve-year-old student holding a bright orange safety flag while another student crosses the street in front of him. The caption reads as follows:

XYZ School 6th-grader John Doe, at right, will be honored Friday night at Safeco Field as one of the state’s top safety patrol students.

“On Monday morning, he will be found stuffed inside his locker,” the caption did not conclude.

Comments (14)
  1. veteran sp says:

    It seems to me that junior high was the classic stuff-em-in-the-locker period, when one encountered 7th graders with muscles like a linebacker’s and a 5 o’clock shadow like Nixon’s.

    Of course, kids are bigger in this generation, and with middle schools the 6th graders can be in with some giants.

  2. will says:

    How do you rate a 12 year old as the state’s top safety patrol students?

    Are there enough deaths and other accidents at other crossing that they can build a worthwhile list?

  3. Sebastian Redl says:

    How do you rate a 12 year old as the state’s top safety patrol students?

    He got stuffed into the locker most often.

  4. Gossard says:

    To none north americans, the idea of a Safety monitor is so very, very bizarre.

  5. mike says:

    @Gossard — not safety monitor, just safety patrol. All they do is hold up flags to stop traffic.

    As for rating "top safety patrol student," I think it would have to be based on the least number of fellow-pupils killed or maimed [by traffic] during this kid’s shift.

  6. Erzengel says:

    When I was coming up through high school I always wondered why movies and such showed lockers, kids getting stuffed into lockers, etc.

    All the lockers in every high school I have ever been to (including those that I merely played an "away game" at) were sealed shut until the school could afford to rip them out, and several schools (particularly the newer ones) didn’t have lockers at all. The only lockers were in the P.E., and those were just drawers. So we never had locker stuffings, but the stated reason for no-lockers was because of the threat from school shootings.

    Do high schools elsewhere in the country still have lockers?

  7. Brian says:

    My little brother just graduated high school, and they still had lockers.  School shootings is a pretty silly reason to ban lockers, considering no school shooter in history has ever stored his guns in his locker.  Normally they are stored in the trunk of his car.

  8. jcs says:

    Do high schools elsewhere in the country still have lockers?

    As far as I know, yes. I’ve never even heard of a high school (in the US) without lockers…

  9. Chris Walton says:

    All the High Schools I’ve been at in the US had lockers, but they were way too small to fit a human being inside (or even some of the books we had, for that matter)

  10. Erzengel says:

    School shootings is a pretty silly reason to ban lockers

    I never claimed the administrators of our school unions were intelligent. They do tend to… overreact. As do parents, admittedly.

    I’ve never even heard of a high school (in the US) without lockers…

    Well, now you have. Come on down to sunny San Diego, home of the Chargers, world famous San Diego Zoo, and crazy school administrators.

  11. Alan McBee says:

    but the stated reason for no-lockers was because of the threat from school shootings.

    I wasn’t aware that lockers were responsible for all the shootings. I would have thought we might have spotted some malcontent lockers smoking and using drugs, too.

    Because clearly they didn’t mean they thought that by getting rid of lockers, they could actually stop any determined malicious students from hiding guns at all.

    Or maybe they do. I keep a locker here in my home, in which I store all the contraband that I would not like the police to find if they were to raid my house. Hmm. Maybe they ARE genius!

  12. Jonathan says:

    Gossard: We have this in Israel. They only work at times when school start and ends, and all the younger students go out to the street.

  13. DWalker59 says:

    Why was the safety patrol student walking behind the other student?  Seems he should be in front.  Or, have one safety patrol student with a flag in front, and one behind.  :-)

  14. Me says:

    When did picture captions become headlines?

    [When I decided I wasn’t going to create a new blog category just for captions; I’d just reuse the existing category for headlines. Sorry this confused you. -Raymond]

Comments are closed.