Why the Fantastic 4 Human Torch ATV is the Worst Movie Tie-In Toy Ever

Columnist Wm. Steven Humphrey expounds on Why the Fantastic 4 Human Torch ATV (with Light-Up Headlights!) is the Worst Movie Tie-In Toy Ever. (Readers cautioned for strong language, but it's funny because it's true.)

Comments (8)
  1. (I thought this might have been plagiarised, because I knew I’d read it before, but it turned out to just be a widely-linked piece from 2005, talking about the last Fantastic Four movie.)

    I’ve always been more annoyed by the various toy Superman vehicles, which are even more ridiculous than an ATV for the Human Torch.

    That’s right – Supes can fly to the moon in a few seconds and doesn’t need a spacesuit once he gets there, but apparently he does still need a poorly-painted motorcycle from Guangzhao while he’s down here.

    Every comics reader knows, of course, that on the occasions when Supes loses his powers, he has a Fortress of Solitude with a number depending on the writer and era of far better vehicles in it.

    Not to mention a 100% chance of being able to borrow any of several incredibly badass BatVehicles, or indeed an Invisible Jet, as long as he brings it back with a full tank.

  2. Jonathan says:

    From the linked article:

    "…but this guy who lives down the block from me is constantly ripping around our neighborhood on one of these stupid four-wheelers–and without a helmet, no less!"

    I think this is a self-solving problem – this kind of guys ofen apply for Darwin awards.


  3. Buxley says:

    I saw a similarly bad toy about a year ago, probably designed by the same company: [url=http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flash_(comics)]The Flash[/url] on a motorcycle. Yes, apparently the superhero known for his amazing speed sometimes feels the need to drive a motorcycle to the scene of a crime.

    What were they thinking?

  4. Morten says:

    The problem is always with the nearly-solved problem. If the guy crashes and doesn’t manage to kill himself but just goes for the Maim Prize, someone has to scrape him up and do some patching. This is expensive. Why can’t types like that just take up skydiving without a ‘chute and get it over with? *grumble*

    Love the article tho. "Children are not idiots.  Okay, most of them are idiots." – my kind of guy. :-D

  5. Miral says:

    You’re assuming that they *were* thinking.  Don’t make that mistake. :)

  6. James says:

    Taschen’s ’70’s-advertising "art" book includes an ad (p. 131) for Star Wars toys. Among plastic blasters with "laser" sound, a plastic TIE fighter, a Darth Vader action figure, and similar items are three Star Wars (snap-together) plastic toy vans.

    Yes, "now you can have one of the hottest and most exclusive Star Wars products anywhere"–including glow-in-the-dark decals "for exciting ghostly images of your favorite characters." Three models: Darth Vader van kit, Luke Skywalker van kit, or Artoo-Detoo [sic] van kit.

  7. Chris Moorhouse says:

    Ok, Human Torch, point taken, yadda yadda. But Spiderman could use an ATV. Doesn’t anybody remember when he came to Canada (Toronto?) how much he complained about how hard it was to get around with all the low buildings? Imagine if he were REALLY out in the boonies, for sure he’d need to get around on a vehicle.

  8. Dewi Morgan says:

    What were they thinking?

    To quote Bored of the rings: "Ka-ching!"

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