I Can’t Test This

(with apologies to MC Hammer; various parts of chori blatantly plaigarized from Weird Al Yankovic)

I can't test this. I can't test this.
I can't test this. I can't test this.

My my my my application crashes so hard
Makes my left flank want to guard.
What is this garbage here?
I think my developer must be drunk on beer.
It crashes, and then it dies;
I crash and crash and then I sigh.
Shoulda worn my flak vest,
Should just stayed home today, uh, I can't test this.

I told you homeboy...I can't test this.
Yeah, nothin' but trash and you know
I can't test this
Poke out my eyes, man...I can't test this.
Yo, gimme that bug database...I can't test this.

BVT blocker on launch;
Did that dev even run it once?
Surprised it compiles,
But it does and thus these endless trials.
Poke that button, and then another,
Watch the screen as it meets its mother.
Crash and burn and take a dive;
Oh good grief there goes my hard drive.
My dev thought I would be impressed,
But this kinda app, uh, I can't test.

Yo, I told you...I can't test this.
Reformat my disk, man...I can't test this.
Yo, dump some core dude...I can't test this.

Save As does not,
Just sets my document out to rot.
Help laughs at me
And then chases me up forty-two trees.
Cut-and-paste turns to junk;
Open a document and it goes into a funk.
Tools Options is a wreck;
The splash screen leaves behind a load of dreck.
Print takes down the network
And then the printer it goes berserk.

That's word and you know...I can't test this.
I can't test this.
Break it down!

[Insert noises of testers pounding keyboards and yelling at their computers...]

Stop! Demo time!
Marketing is all set
To show this app but I think they're all wet.
The VCs say we have to ship
They promise us stock but just give us guilt trips.
Senior management
Gave us lunch in a great big tent.
They say we're in crunch mode
For the next two years so let's get to writing code!

Crash, crash, crash; nope, I can't test this.
Look, man: I can't test this.
I can't take this torture no more, I can't
I can't test this.
Break it down!

[Sound effects: testers engaging in Nerf wars against their devs...]

Stop! Test runs!
BVTs and FVTs, basic functionality
I heard they might be illegal in this principality.
Now why did I ever agree to be on this team?
One more crash and - do ya know - I think I'm gonna scream.
But wait - one test passed successfully!
Nope - I was wrong - it failed abysmally.

I can't test this, I can't test this.
I can't test this, yeah, I can't test this.
I told you, can't test this.
It's crashed, can't test this.
I'm so outta here - can't test this.

*** Want a fun job on a great team? I need a tester! Interested? Let's talk: Michael dot J dot Hunter at microsoft dot com. Great coding skills required.

Comments (1)

  1. Pete says:

    LOL — way too much fun!

    Someone needs to come up with the dev version of this — I want to see it go 9!

    I can’t write this. I can’t write this.

    It’s much to dumb. I can’t write this.

    My my my my PM pushes so hard…

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