In the interest of your safety, please move it out of my way

People are seriously wigging out here about some weather. Monday it snowed; a couple inches, now deemed a "storm"...I even saw "blizzard". Ach.

I contend that everyone who insists on driving on a "snowy" day do ten years of snow driving before they even attempt to do it here. Freeways were beyond access for someone impatient as me. And I had somewhere to be...I was scheduled for trapeze class Monday night. My own whining is dwarfed by the wringing of hands here. My complaint is this:  I ended up having to drive surface streets.  Not because there was imminent danger from conditions, unless by "conditions" you mean people who should not be on the road. At all. I'm thinking even when it's nice out, they should stay home.

So my excursion Tuesday night was one of those zip-zip-zip trips designed to avoid dumb traffic (I see stupid people). Did some alley driving (the alley trolls won't eat you if you stall down fact, if you get stranded, I hear that the restaurants put edible food in their's a metropolitan version of Survivor) and admit that I cut off one mini-bus (he was only rolling). Dude was going to block the entrance to my alley!

I'm not going to say that those of us from the midwest feel superior during events like this. Actually, I am going to say that. Totally superior. I am not afraid of this weather, I'm not particularly dramatic and I get to roll my eyes at the complainers (get offa my facebook). And who doesn't like to get a little eye-roll in from time to time? And by the way, my cable is out so I can't work from home. So stuff it, local whiners. It's an adventure. It's good for ya. And you get an excuse to leave work early (yeah, go ahead and call it a "snow day" if you must). Make cookies, take a nap, get drunk, catch up on the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Just stay off my roads.

A couple more driving tips for Seattle-ites (I say in a friendly voice so I can keep my superiority on the's killing me):

1) Watch the weather report. This so-called "storm" <eye-roll> was anticipated last weekend.

2) If you have not driven on snow before stay home. Did I already mentioned that? Oh yeah. Two words: sick day. Need me to call your boss? Leave his/her number in comments here.

3) Leaving work early to beat the traffic? Leave before three PM. Three freaking PM people!  Have you no memory? Have you no laptop?

4) Avoid hills. Leave your car at the bottom. Leaving your car on the side of the road is a tradition here. Hey, you get to tell your kids that you walked 3 miles uphill in the snow. Automatic weather cred, dude.

5) If you are sliding up or down an icy hill (did you not listen to me?), you turn your wheels away from the direction of the slide. The front of your car is going to the left? Turn to the right. It's kind of instinct but evidently not that obvious to some people who may have suppressed all instincts so they don't boot their kids out of their house at 2 months to go fend for themselves.You get in trouble for that.

6) If you have to choose between driving in snow or driving on ice, pick the snow. Sliding on an icy hill (again, listen to me people!) and get enough traction to drive into your neighbors lawn? Do it. If your neighbor isn't a total d-bag, they won't mind. And if they are a total d-bag, then tee-hee. Like the cops don't have anything better to do than write you a ticket. They are at the bottom of the hill watching people slide down and turning on their flashing blue lights. Consider it mood lighting. And see them talking into their radio? They are making fun of you. Yes, the guy with the handlebar mustache is making fun of you. Congratulations.

7) Remember when you actually uttered "I should get a 4 wheel drive car"? Yeah, get that tattooed somewhere so you remember it come spring. Or sooner. Like, maybe next week. Stepping on the gas as hard as you can isn't really going to help. But it makes an awesome whirring noise for the rest of us, who are making fun of you. See those people walking on the streets in the snow? Yeah. They are making fun of you. And they live with their mom. So there's that. Again, congratulations.

8) Freeways will get plowed first, which won't really matter if you are in a 2 hour traffic jam. If you have heeded my other advice and can take surface streets to get home, do. Better yet, go to a bar and then make someone else come to get you because you don't drink and drive. Not that I have ever done that. Much.

9) Stock up on canned goods and powdered milk. Heeheee...just kidding. How about going to the grocery store to buy food before the storm? Don't step on the old lady to get to the dairy case. If you are stranded long enough to go through 3x the amount of milk you normally have in the house, then we have bigger problems than a little snow.

10) If you live walking distance from a Starbux, Tully's, Uptown Espresso, Seattle's Best, etc., put on your boots, grab your bottle of Baileys and go make some new friends. After a few cocktails, you won't have the good sense to be embarrassed when you slide down your driveway on your keester.

This morning, I saw a Department of Transportation worker throwing salt out of a coffee can. Oh, I needed that laugh. They must have run out of salt shakers at Williams Sonoma.  And the gal in my building with the snow pants, two coats and facemask? FAIL.

OK, that's all I got kids. You make fun of my accent, I talk really slow when I give you cold weather advice. And yes, I am enjoying it.

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