Celebrity Apprentice Task 3: Mr. Outside the Box (if the box is where class and reason exist)

Well, unfortunately, I was notified who was kicked off this week before I had a chance to watch the show <sigh>. Recapping not as fun in this case and it’s hard to write with some kind of speculative interest. It’s a chore this week and that’s how much I love you.


This season, blah, blah, blah. Last week, Nely led the girls’ effort to make a pet commercial. Gene didn’t meet with the client but the boys win anyway. All of this is very Machiavellian which annoys someone as pragmatic as me, but whatever. The producers didn’t write this show for me. They wrote it for some dumbed-down version of the American Cheeto-eating public that feels that any of these people, so desperate to upgrade from the D-list that they become caricatures of someone (if not themselves then a version that they think will appeal to someone, somewhere, with orange stained fingers), is a “celebrity”. Wait, why am I here again?  Trump loves Nadia but he had to can her like a pinto bean.


The teams, waiting for the return of two of their cohorts,  speculate as to who goes. Piers tells the gals that they stabbed lovely Nadia in the back. Jenny is all “Uh-uh! Uh-uh!”, while Piers gives her a hard time. He’s a manipulator. Love him. I hope he drinks more and cuts loose. Purty Jenni feels guilty for helping send her hero home. Yeah, Piers did that to her. It’s all game play. Nely is sobbing (sobbing!) to Carol before they go into the Penthouse…sobbing and wheezing. Girlfriend, pull your shizz together! She has a big gold hair clip in that says “Paris” and really, bad fashion is a reason for the crocodile tears so carry on.  I don’t understand why you would wear something like that on your head. You need the name of a city on the back of your head? Is Paris a brand name now?  OK, the crying is ridiculous and self-indulgent. Nely feels terrible about sending Nadia home but about that extra screen time she is getting, I bet she feels not so terrible. There’s a word for that. Piers has smelled the weakness emanating from Jenni and he’s having a good time. Frankly, considering the fact that at the end, you can say that it was part of the game, I can’t say that I wouldn’t be needling Jenni as well, for fun and profit.  Nely comes in and continues to wheeze and sob. I’m sorry, but at work, never let them see you cry. Go somewhere and pull yourself together. Get the hell out of there is you have to. Drama! I can’t wait for her to go.


Nely says that the team is “beaten down” and Omarosa aptly adds word of wisdom about a house of cards. Then Carol says something about dominoes. Whee…..game metaphors! Anyone got one about not sinking the cue ball? Playing the field?  Omarosa keeps saying that they can win tomorrow but the more times she says it, the less I believe that she actually thinks so. She just says what she thinks sounds good for  the cameras. There’s no “there” there.


Cue the theme song. Teams meet near a bridge. The leggy trumplett and her pops exit the limo.  Omarosa flaunts her chapeau. Trump asks Vinnie how many bodies are in the river. And again…no writers? How could that be? Trump introduces Jim Kramer from Mad Money (you know the guy…he gets all agro about stocks and stuff). Gene Simmons wears a carnation in his lapel. The height of sophistication at the seventh grade dance. Like the grossest flower ever and therefore apropos of Gene’s style sense. Nely says she cried over Nadia. Trump asks about Gene’s charity and gives him a check. Gene leads a team cheer. Good gawd. Trump tells Gene that he’s got an option and then basically makes him take it because he relates it to Gene’s manhood; which Gene is pretty much trying to prove 24x7 with his come hither smirk (gag) and all his talky-talk (gag). Trump tells Gene he should head over to the ladies team. Is that like putting the fox in charge of the hen house? Is that rude of me to say? Nely looks nonplussed (mostly because Trump insults her leadership). Gene looks around while the music builds (because the producers think you are dumb).Gene comes over to the gals team and he loves the attention. Makes me a little ill.


Gene camera talks. He says he was born to be the “King of All Women” and now I kind of understand how rulers get overthrown or killed in their sleep. Trump says the gals team is interesting and Gene calls Trump “the Devil” which was actually a compliment if you think about where it came from. I’m also kind of sure that Gene is wearing ladies jeans. Looks like it to me. Trump starts talking about Kodak. The task is to create a mobile photo printing business. The winner will be based on originality, brand and profit. Again, the projects launch in the cruel streets of NYC. Omarosa says she is glad Gene has joined them. Hah.Liar.


ZOMG. Gene refers to the team as a “benevolent dictatorship”. No you didn’t. Then he asks them if they all understand. Carol Alt is about to lose it. I’m guessing that she knows Gene’s wife and is not surprised by this at all. O doesn’t like it but let’s just file that under “too damn bad.” Gene refers to them as an army. I’m officially in metaphor overload; a sure sign that these folks are full of crap. Gene refers to Gene in third person. He says that because Kodak is looking for something “outside the box”, he’ll be just that by not meeting with them. He refers to himself as “Mr. Outside the Box” and by box, I hope he means Celebrity Apprentice.  Then he says “It’s a Kodak world….we all just live in it”. I hope that’s not marketing, because it makes no sense. Someone tells him it’s great. I can’t believe this; he keeps saying weird stuff like “planet Kodak”. WTF. Hopefully the ladies are letting him dig his own grave (hey, they can’t have all the metaphor fun).


Tito is the PM of the boys team. The team meets with the Kodak folks to understand what they want. Kodak is all about the cheap ink. So it sounds like they aren’t actually trying to launch some kind of mobile business but use the task as publicity for their ink business. Piers restates the ink focus and I swear, the Kodak guy refers to it as an “ink revolution” … oh wait, I am sure that it’s “Ink Revolution” (marketing!). Have you ever been in a meeting where someone takes themselves incredibly seriously and says something like that? It is hard not to giggle but I guess he’s into what he does. Two points for saying it with a straight face. And before you say anything, yes, I know where I work. It’s called irony.


Nely and Carol also meet with the execs. Nely tells them that she didn’t know they made printers. Don’t say dumb stuff like that. Nely is talking too much. I’m pretty sure the execs think she is cuckoo for cocoa puffs. Nely comes back and tells the team that it’s all about the printer experience and I am pretty sure that is not what I heard. She keeps telling them the buzzwords (wow…she works on a really shallow level and that explains The Swan…..just sayin’). Gene says “they’re wrong!” about the Kodak executives.  He says that he understands what Kodak needs but the Kodak executives, you know the ones that work for Kodak, they don’t. He admits his arrogance but thinks it comes with a side of expertise; which is most certainly not on the menu. Oh jebus, he says that Kodak world crap again. He refers to himself as powerful and attractive and I have to think that this is acting because there’s no way that anyone is this much of an ass-hat in real life. No way! Then he asks Nely whether it’s a Kodak world and she agrees. This is just mean. It’s like finding a scrawny, dorky kid in junior high and making him punch himself in the face. And this is how cults happen.


Alec Baldwin shows up and he’s not looking that healthy. No offense or anything but he could maybe cut out the white flour and perhaps jog around the block a few times. He’s looking a little pasty and shall we say, schweaty.  Alec is all excited about that cheap ink. Whee! Ivanka joins the boys team for a meeting  where Stephen leads the brainstorming with crap like this: “What’s the one word? Kodak! Kodak!”  And then he’s all air boxing and standing on the table. How long does it take drugs to get out of your system? Never? Piers tells Stephen he is full of it. He likes the “knock out” concept with Lennox and Tito and as much as I can see that it’s getting old, it probably won’t feel that way to the people that come across their silver bullets in the streets. Stephen says “Kodak presents the ink revolution that’s gonna knock you out” and I have to tell you that just for a second, I think to myself, marketing is crap. You know, if you can call what Stephen says marketing.


Gene directs the hanging of some signs on the gals’ trailer. He’s all about an inch here and a half inch there. Nely asks his sign. She’s all flirty with Gene and says he is tickling her and I just threw up in my mouth a little. She refers to him as the chairman and she as CEO. Yeah, right.  Gene twirls Marilu. If the Kodak folks had said that being a total creep would win the task then I’d say ding, ding, ding….we have a winner! OK, the country guy is talking and as a side note, I have to say that I saw him last night on the Bill Maher show and as much as I don’t agree with most of the things he said, he was so freaking funny. I still have no idea who he is though. They are outfitting the trailer. This is some boring shizz. Stephen totally takes control of the graphic design. Piers wants Lennox and Tito to take their shirts off for photos (I say do it for the sake of marketing). It was a little silly. Shirtless Lennox and Tito with a printer. Kind of sexy for it being about ink. The table tilts because Stephen is on it and is acting nuts and the laptop gets covered in coffee. Now they are skee-rewed. Piers blames Stephen. They head to what is clearly a Kinko’s but obviously Kinko’s didn’t pay to have their name on this show and I can’t blame them.


Back in the van, Gene’s all “Kodak world”. Please make it stop. Omarosa keeps reminding Gene of the actual product they are promoting. O says “it’s hard to sell something you don’t know.” True dat. Oh, gene wants the pretty gals outside driving traffic and says the “king of the women” thing. How can one person be this annoying? He thinks it’s “seductive” if the gals do the demos. Huh? What kind of photos will you be printing? He starts in about God’s gift of beauty. Oh shut it, Gene.  What do you know about beauty? Have you seen your hair? That Kramer guy shows and Marilu actually says the “Kodak world” line to him. Gene thinks that text wrapped around the air stream makes them seem proactive. Whatevs. That Kramer guy looks bewildered which Gene confuses with impressed.


The boys team hangs their banners on the outside of their trailer. Looks like they got it done in time but it’s pretty crappy. It’s not good and Piers calls it “amateur hour” and I have to agree. The boys are going to have to work it to pull this one out. Cowboy says he has a stock tip for Kramer: Kodak. I was thinking plastics, but OK.  Kramer loves their message but not the aesthetics. He’s getting all agro again. The Kodak execs show up at the gals trailer. Gene makes the Kodak lady take his arm (ew, don’t get any on you), which would be sweet and romantic if they were dating, but creepy as hell under these circumstances. Then one of the cardboard cutouts of the gals falls over in the wind. Gene keeps reading the wrapped text on the trailer and if it were possible to claw ones ears out, I’d be tempted at this time. He’s babbling. Omarosa says that Gene has a quality that makes him a good sales person. Not so much, O. He’s so gross.


Vinny is talking into a bullhorn . Tito talks about the ink as it was meant to be talked about. Alec Baldwin shows again. What is the point of this? Alec’s buttons on his short are straining to do a good job (there’s no excuse for ill-fitting clothes…go shopping). Alec says Stephen is “full of crap” and who am I to disagree? Alec buys some product. Piers says that Alec shows some real Baldwin-ness with some sassy star power; the kind that kid brother cannot and will not deliver. Piers is all “ink, ink, ink”.  I am so over this task. Let’s get to some board room.


Trump talks to the execs. And again he’s like ‘you like both teams but you love one’ and I am sure to get these so-called celebs on-board for the show, they had to do some pandering to egos and I supposed that makes this kind of line necessary. And it makes this show the most shark jumping-est show ever.  He can’t very well say one team was total crap. Yet, I hope he does. Kodak says boys are sloppy. And now it’s board room time.


Trump asks Gene how it was leading the women and he says they “connected immediately” to which Ms. O disagrees. She tells Trump about the “benevolent dictator” thing. Trump doesn’t like that Gene didn’t meet with the execs. Gene pretty much said he could not be bothered.  And also that Kodak should basically worship them for that ridiculous marketing slogan.


Tito’s suit is all like “pyow, pyow!”.  Must avert my eyes. Trump asks for Kramer’s opinion. He ‘splains that they had to reposition Kodak to being all about ink. The gals presented better but the boys got the point about ink better. Boys win. Tito gets $20K so now he has money to replace the batteries in his suit when they run out. Tito says that “being a celebrity is only paper deep, but being a real person is skin deep and blood deep.” Wait,,,what? Please stop talking. And also, how were you the PM here? Trump invites the gents to retire to the war room where they can watch. They gloat and breathe in the smell of testosterone. Can’t say I blame them too much though Baldwin seriously bugs.


Gene tells Trump that their work was perfect and that the Kodak execs were wrong. Omarosa said that Gene lacked vision. What’s up with the trumplett and the chandelier earrings and that big dramatic collar on the thing that she is wearing? She doesn’t have time to change before the opera?  She basically tells Gene that he’s a PITA but in a good way. He tells her she is wrong. He keeps cutting her off. The boys in the war room agree that Gene’s getting canned. Trump tells Nely that she talked too much to the execs.  He asks Carol and she felt that there was too much talking but she didn’t throw Nely under the bus. Gene says that Kodak world thing again and it’s nuts. Trump calls Gene a loser. Gene fights back and says that they were ‘spot on”, Omarosa tells Trump to ask Gene the name of the printer….whee! I like her for a split second and now it’s gone.  Trump asks carol who to fire. She picks herself or Nely. What? Trump thinks this is great. He asks Jenni. She is a bit wimpy but finally says Gene. O agrees. Marilu says Gene also. Nely says Jenni. What?  Nely says Jenni lacks leadership, even though she’s never PMed and it makes no sense.  Trump asks Gene who he wants to bring back and he only wants one, which we know Trump isn’t into. Gene picks Omarosa. Wait, what? It does appear that Trump wants to fire Nely as Piers points out. Trump makes him give a second name. So he picks Jenni. What? Huh? He’s trying to be subversive but it’s totally lame.


Trump asks Ivanka ‘s opinion. What the hell is she wearing?! O tells Gene she’s pissed. Gene makes O put her arm through his. He’s just weird and so needy for attention. In the room, Omarosa says that she shouldn’t be there and that Jenni has not stepped up. Jenni kind of agrees with Omarosa.  Trump does not know what to do. Gene refers to himself as a softie and by that, I think he means wearer of chick jeans. Gene says Nely is a leader. Trump says that Gene just likes to disagree. Trump tells Gene that he brought back 2 people he couldn’t fire and then Trump basically shows Gene the door. The sad music plays and I don’t feel that sad. And whoah…what is that receptionist wearing. Gene steps into the elevator and says “Down, Jeeves”. Whatever…get out.  As they walk back into the penthouse, O notes that they wanted to fire Nely.  In the cab, Gene just shovels more of the same BS. Nothing new or interesting except for the concept of a “popcorn fart’.  If nothing else, that man has class.






Comments (2)

  1. Will in Santa Clara says:

    Heather –

    Due to your coverage, I am now dropping Apprentice from my Season Pass.  Thank for suffering through this season for all of us.

    As for your last few sentences about Gene Simmons – I’m just aghast.


  2. HeatherLeigh says:

    I know! What the? 🙂

    I have to admit that although the show pretty much sucks, its kind of fun to write the recaps. It’s tedious but there’s something about it that I enjoy.

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