More Apprentice “fun”. Yeah, it’s sarcasm…like you expected subtlety here…hah!
Previously on TAMS: M invited the contestants and introduced her cohorts, unlit cigar man and very stern daughter person. The teams split so Primarius could kick some creative a**. Jeff was very grouchy and shouldn’t tell stories to children. Dawn like quiet and Jeff showers naked. Internet boy practices being profound: “it’s up to the children”. Yes, it is Internet boy and the fact that that scares me means I am officially old. Primarius wins the competition. Jim makes some weird facial expressions and forceful finger pointing in the conference room. Everybody talks over everybody else. I expected the creative group to be a little more civil! Martha boots Jeffrey with “you just don’t fit in”. Fit in where…the little cardboard box you were going to send him home in? Later Jeffrey/
Sweet dreams….who am I to disagree? (hee..irony! I can’t wait to disagree!)?
In NY living space, a sociology study on peer groups and mirroring behavior as 2 guys from Primarius chat with their baseball hats turned backward (gel guy is messing up his hair). They are talking about strategies for selecting people to take into the conference room. Do you take someone strong to get them out or someone weak because they are less of a risk? You know when someone takes a really simple concept and then you find out that it’s not so simple to them? Exactly. And gel guy’s green flip-flops match his shirt. Oh no.
Jim and Dawn return home and Jim’s all Beastie Boys with a “hit it!” as he walks through the door. The hat boys bear hug Jim and he says “stop kissing me”. Yes, please…stop…all of it. Jim camera talks about how great he is and how he “let loose on everybody” and by this he means he totally embarrassed himself in from of the other contestants and about a bazillion self-loathing people watching this. He thinks he sent a message to the teams that he is bad a**. He talks about “cutting the “might oak” with a scythe. OK, first, who is the “mighty oak”? Jeffrey? And also, if you are trying to cut an oak with a scythe, you are going to be there for a while. Jim, forget the stupid analogies. Just tell your fellow contestants that you would be much more comfortable watching this from home. Well, at least, I’d be much more comfortable. “Later…beyotch” says he while flashing that hang loose sign. At once embarrassing and creepy.
Sarah camera talks about Jim’s instability. She says his “tactic is ruthlessness”; which is kind of correct but the ill intent gets a little mixed up in the ridiculousness and lack of credibility. She gives him too much credit…he’s just a weird bully. Ridiculous, unfounded narcissism. I could go on, but someone complained that my recaps are too long. Jim then refers to himself as the architect of Jeff’s dismissal. Say again? Jeff pretty much handled that on his own. Dawn calls Jim on his erroneous claim and he pretty much tells her that she’s luck *he* didn’t architect her dismissal and (the thing that is making me totally root for Dawn), she mocks him (whee!). He tells Bethenny to get his back and I really hope she leaves his back ungotten.
Julia (our fabulous British Rona) tells gel boy to get his posse down to the video screen because Martha is officially phoning it in today. When the candidates collect, Martha appears on the screen in front of lots of flowers (ahchoo!) and displays her mastery of botany and very precise name enunciation. Jim is uncomfortable (yay!). The task is for the teams to set up a retail location to sell flowers. Highest revenue earning team wins. Oh, now Jim is pumped. He can’t wait to get his hands on some delphinium.
Matchstick decides that Chuck should be the Project Leader because he does “freelance flower work”. Chuck wants to go with simple. Chuck, Internet guy and Princess Di go to the flower mart and talk about tulips. Chuck: “Look at the lilacs! Look at the lilacs! MMM!”. They are loving those Holland tulips and I’m concerned about droopy stems. That always happens when I buy tulips, even if I put a penny in the water. I bet Chuck would know what to do. I would have picked something more hardy though. Just me. On the phone, Jim starts telling Chuck what to do because Jim wants to sell to hotels (yeah, like hotels don’t already have existing relationships with florists for their arrangements).Bethenny tries to wrangle the phone away from Jim and Chuck calls him Jimbo (hee). Bethenny tells Jim he is insane and that he needs to back off. Princess Di frowns. Chuck ain’t happy and if Chuck ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy (OK, excuse me…I just wanted to say that). Drama!
Martha gives a quick lesson on leadership (you didn’t think Trump was going to keep the inane business lessons to himself, did you?). According to Martha, people who lead should definitely lead in business. Got it? Princess Di is excited about finding “Dutch girl” costumes and except for the fact that they are cliché and insulting and that everyone that has ever had any connection to Holland or Dutch people will hate them, it’s a great idea. Dawn calls it “slutty and trashy” and Bethenny talks about “tiptoe through the tulips”…which is really more about Tiny Tim than tulips. Right now, on behalf of Americans, I want to apologize to the Dutch people.
Chuck is “overwhelmed”. It’s a simple task Chuck…chop chop!Then he says he’s leaving because he can’t take it. OK, good thing I am not there because I would have said “fine. go. please do so quickly”. Jim clearly wants to keep him as a conference room pawn. Di (I’ll figure out her name eventually) caresses and kisses Chuck’s head and Chuck will stay and starts to boss people around. So dramatic! Love it!
Over at Primarius, Carrie camera talks and she’s already got the mission wrong. She things converting the retail space into a flower shop is the mission when it’s really about making revenue. And we’ll see soon how this sends them down the wrong path and how gel boy (Howie…oh, I miss Howie from Big Brother 6) pulls it out. Carrie wants to create a “gorgeous, welcoming, flower-shopping experience”..and already, it’s too much talking and not enough doing. She wants a big name floral designer (go ahead…name one!). Jennifer refers to a “celebrity florist” and by this I really hope she means a florist to the celebrities because (although I love flowers and florists), I don’t know any that I would consider a celebrity. They find a guy names Rene’ Halmstead or something like that. He pretends that the producers didn’t brief him on the show, pretends that he doesn’t see the camera and acts disappointed that Primarius doesn’t have references. Ah, he’s just joshing with you guys. He’s in and they all go “whoo!”.
Over at team Matchstick, some of the girls get all tarted up to go out. They say they are “marketing tulips”. They are acting like prostitutes and just as my pen goes to paper they admit that they are acting like prostitutes. Yeah, hilarious and classy ladies! Jim goes on about getting Brasso to polish the door. What is he on? Evidently, Brasso’s payroll, cuz he’s going to bring it up a bunch more times. They are painting and stuff and Princess Di has on a cowboy hat which is exactly what I wear to paint…how did she know? The fact that Dawn disagrees with Jim’s need to Brasso just about sends him over the edge. Spoiled much?
Dawn says she was “hustling like a whore to get people to buy friggen tulips.” What am I watching? And the thing that ruined her day was arguing with Jim about Brasso? Go figure. Chuck is concerned and calls it a disaster (drama!). Jim starts telling people to get rid of Dawn.
It’s Springtime in NY, by the way. And Primarius is setting up their store. Right now, Howie has been promoted from “gel guy” to “Howie” in my eyes, but he needs to watch his step. He claps and tells people to “move it”. I can’t tell if he’s kidding. Jennifer talks about Rene’s need to “effectuate” and it sounds weird but it’s a word. The team snaps to and suddenly realized that they need to market some flowers. And because they have such a high-end product, street flayers will have to do the trick! I don’t know, the whole idea behind the celebrity florist should be that people know or care that he is a celebrity. None of these people seem to care…they are just beautiful, high priced floral arrangements. Carrie tells people to go out and “start juggling”.
Over at Matchstick, Jim is still talking. Tulips are selling and the hired female help in the costumes are “canvassing the neighborhood” and doing a little dance too. Alexis and Charles witness this and laugh about corner selection relative to wares if you know what I mean. They sell $150 worth of tulips to one guy and Dawn says she’s willing to make out with him for 3 hours. I’m guessing that if he bought that many tulips, he’s already got someone to make out with. And what’s with all the smut this episode? Martha will not be pleased!
Over at Primarius, Howie recommends lowering the price to move some product. They all start kicking butt with sales, especially Howie.
At HQ, Martha talks about the floral business (she knows a thing or 2 about high prices floral arrangements). Charles was impressed with Primarius who sold $1886 worth of allergy inducing flora (probably just me). Alexis explains that although Matchstick went for volume, they only sold $969 worth. Primarius wins again! The reward is a trip to a neighborhood to create an urban garden for the Hudson Guild. And we get to see the contestants do the work and talk about how rewarding it was.
Meanwhile, Matchstick is at home. Jim refers to Dawn as a “deadly virus” (shut up) and she can totally hear them and see them talking about her right there! Jim refers to Chuck as a “beautiful man” (shut up). Jim: “the cancer can still be cured but the strong people that I need to beat have to go”. Um, Jim, first, shut up. Second, it’s unlikely that the team is going to rally around a strategy that is based on who you need to beat. Follow me here for a second; sometimes when you think something in your devilish little head, you have to keep it from coming out of your devilish little mouth. Jim then talks to Chuck about framing Dawn and Chuck refuses (yay for Chuck…we’ll miss you drama-kins). Marcela doesn’t like Jim so much which makes me immediately like her, but I suspect that she’s not alone in her feelings toward Jimbo, so I’ll have to be more selective in whom I like. As Chuck walks away, Jim’s all “I love you..I love you!” (shut! up!).
In the conference room where dreams of building a domestic empire go to die, Marcela states that delegation and communication were weaknesses for Matchstick. Chuck takes accountability and this is no drama…he’s right. Martha found them uncreative and hated the Dutch girl characters (go Martha!). Bethenny does the worst back-pedaling that I have ever seen: “what does Holland even have? Like, a windmill and a Dutch girl and clogs”. And again, I want to remind the Dutch that on behalf of the American people, I am sorry for this ridiculous woman and what just came out of her mouth. Martha doesn’t like it either and brings up Vermeer and Van Gogh (I dig those guys). Martha also dislikes the fact that the models in the costumes couldn’t really like, speak, like about the, um, products, you know? Jim decides that there’s a comfy seat on that bandwagon that has his name on it and says the models were “set loose like dogs”…only not so much…where’s the dog part? You mean because dogs wear milkmaid costumes and aren’t very good at talking about tulips? OK, got it. According to M-Diddy, it was “tacky” (agreed!). Chuck then tells Martha he “had a nervous breakdown” (drama! Again!). Jim’s all “no!”. I think the best person to judge a nervous breakdown is the person who is having it. Jim, zip it! Chuck wants to take responsibility for the loss and Jim says it’s a “deep, personal, wounding insult” (shut up). “How dare you resign!” says he. Only a) how is that insulting and b) Chuck was not resigning and c) who actually falls for your bull, Jim?
Jim refers to Dawn as a “charlatan” and it’s as if the pot is meeting the kettle for the very first time. Dawn starts to list her contributions and Jim says “now I have to sit through this”. Yes, Jim, it’s all about you. The rest of us were put here to amuse or persecute you depending on your mood. Martha calls Jim on his agenda and has a bit of a giggle over the team’s “major problem”. OK, I am totally liking her now. Chuck picks Jim and Dawn to return to the conference room as his personal guests. The Peoples’ Princess asks Martha for advice on working with a team like this. M basically says they have to stop the whining, “kvetching”, complaining, quitting. Bethenny says she is so embarrassed that she wants to cry and M says “women in business don’t cry my dear”. Love her right now!
Charles calls it a “revolting development” which is not to be confused with a nasty unlit cigar that has been chewed on. He refers to Jim’s “agender” (that accent makes him kinda lovable, don’t you think?). Martha addresses Dawn and as Dawn talks, Jim shakes his head and roll his eyes. Chuck explains that he may not be very good at managing people (this is what we call a moment of truth and good for Chuck for saying this). Jim looks like his head is going to explode (stop already!). He says that the Jim/Dawn conflict impacts the team (word!). Martha explains that quitters never win (I swear I have heard that somewhere before) and that she even “went to jail” (well ,there it is…good on ya Martha!). She made good out of a bad situation and I am slightly relieved that no lemons were killed in the making of this segment. The music builds to a crescendo. She dumps Chuck because he can’t lead with a stern “I wish you good luck and goodbye”. I’m relieved that it’s not about whether he “fit in” but I really don’t think Martha should improvise here…I need something to look forward to and it ain’t the sappy letter.
“Dear Chuck”. How humiliating.
Next time, they create wedding cakes. Hmm, flowers, wedding cakes. Either Martha is producing a bridal issue of her magazine or she is dropping some pretty heavy hint on single Miss Alexis.