You guessed it...the time has come. A momentary dip in my self esteem had me both watching the Apprentice this morning and recapping it right here. Seriously, I kind of feel some renewed interest in the show (that break came in handy) and kinship with those of you that think I'm as funny as I think I am (you know who you are). So as not to disappoint, I'm back.
"Last week on the Apprentice", a really disappointing epi of "unseen footage". Hey producers...if it's not good enough to put in the show, it really won't hold up on it's own. But you got it out of the way before sweeps. so good on ya. Seriously, last week, we see John crash and burn in all of his misogyny. Tana and Craig convince Li'l Kim to allow the top bidder to spend some time with her when she is not in court (wearing Marc Jacob's new line "innocence"). They also convince Moby to spend a week with his top bidder..and what a yoga-filled, green tea sipping party that is going to be! Unfortunately, John negotiated for house parties with the rock bands, which are so John Mellencamp and Bon Jovi circa 1988. Come to think of it, so is John....oops, I mean "was".
Back up in the suite, Erin bounces back in (she does a lot of bouncing this episode and frankly, it's ill-advised, but whatever). Erin pulls her big green poncho over her shoulder and talks to the camera: "I know how to talk like a rational human being"...yeah, a rational human being trying to get a free drink at a bar. I went to college...I know what that sounds like...and I perfected it while you were still in grade school Erin. Angie talks about what a contender Erin is and if by "contender" she means totally annoying, then she is right. As she espouses Erin's boardroom prowess, we see Erin chewing gum with her mouth open. Then we see Erin bouncing and singing "who wants chocolate chip ice cream?". They talk about gas and then Erin whines "mom", all sing-songy to Angie. Ugh.
Over with the Magna team, Craig wants to be project manager. He also wants to ramble on about some deep stuff and pray, but I'm blaming Moby. I'm totally confused, but OK. Craig seemed to have it all written down on paper only it still didn't make sense.
In the morning, the suite gets the phone call from Rona and Tana jots down the info on a piece of Nescafe note paper. I kid you not.
At Trump Park Place, the Donald really talks up Home Depot in a nauseating way. Yeah, yeah, we get it. They are great (and that is old news by the way). I love Home Depot too, but sheesh! The Apprentae have to wear hard hats but Trump and his buddies don't. Figure that one out. Maybe just a corporate hazing ritual. Trump starts talking about this empty apartment that will sell for $30m when it's done and I thought this had something to do with the task, but it really had more to do with nothing. Weak segue into the mission. Trump says HD makes money off of builders like him. Yeah, Trump buys his building materials at Home Depot...do you think we are stupid? Well, yes you do!
So the task is to create a do-it-yourself clinic and the teams will be judged on product involvement, customer involvement and originality. With Networth, Angie wants to be project manager because she loves Home Depot. Stephanie loves Home Depot too but Angie pulls out the claws like Home Depot can only love one of them back (ladies, they love both of you and your cash). Chris wants something "hip and trendy" and says so as only a not hip, untrendy person can. Angie thinks of crown molding (a clinic I would actually be interested in if I didn't hate miter cutting). Erin says she almost cried when she heard Home Depot. There's time for that later. "As a former beauty queen, I know what a crown is but I don't know what crown molding is." No you didn't.
Magna goes to HD to brainstorm. Craig comes up with the idea to build a storage box. The team doesn't like it. Tana says "we're inches away from 'your fired!' " Her weirdness is growing on me but not in such a way that I would want to have lunch with her or anything.
Trumplesson: "Selling your ideas". You need to do it. This means you, Craig.
Erin walks through HD and talks about fashion and icky toilet seats (honey, nobody's butt has touched them yet...relax). OK, OK, we get it...you are a delicate flower. The dippy act is unnecessary and really not an effective way to get a job. Stephanie has an idea for a mobile kitchen island. Angie says her team is "a bunch of morons". I like Angie. I lost count of how many times the finished kitchen island is referred to as "cute". Erin cheers "Lets!-cut!-wood!". This is all wrong.
Over at Magna,Craig asks his team to refer to their project as a "trunk", not a box. Reasonable request (and funny in a sad way...Moby?). Bren calls it a "pet coffin". Alex and Bren joke about shutting down a power grid to keep the other team from winning (funny in a uni-bomber kind of way...which is not funny at all). Craig builds the box by Craig's self and then camera talks about how Craig did it without assistance from Craig's team (that third person thing really freaks me out). Craig seems kind of lonely. So I think when he refers to himself as "Craig", he's trying to be his own friend. Interesting strategy and kind of creepy.
Craig, Alex and Bren discuss "bad attitudes". Bren chimes in with the most unfortunate reference to "thinking outside the box". It's a trunk, Bren...thinking outside the trunk!
Tana tells Saeed, a real-life HD employee to "shake it". Now, I'm all for shaking it when there's a darn good reason to do so. But I don't see why Saeed shook it other than to be on TV or to make Tana go away (guesses anyone?). Shake it, Saeed. Zip it, Tana.
Over at Networth, Erin refers to the rolling island as "hot" and "sexy" to actual customers. She really is the Paris Hilton of the Apprentice ("that's hot"). Angie asks Chris to do the demo because he's loud. Granted, she didn't have a lot to work with here. Chris messes up the demo.
Over at Magna, it's a trunk-fest. Tana paints a kid's hand, Alex speaks Spanish (this is called connecting with your customer). Kendra admitted that Craig had a good idea but that the rest of the team didn't support him. Bren said Craig has trouble communicating his ideas. Only Bren is rude and condescending. Bren, I have one word for you: cucumber.
It's judgment time and Trump asks Jose and Christine from HD what they thought. They couldn't even fake a close race this time. Networth stunk up the place with their not-so-do-it-yourself demo. Christine loved what Magna did. Magna wins and they are going into space (interesting...can we send Networth instead?).
Up in the suite, Stephanie and Angie talk. Angie will take Chris and Erin to the boardroom and Chris will be voted off. In the words of Lee Corso: "not so fast my friend" (I can't believe I just quited Lee Corso). Angie says that "Erin has created some kind of electricity with Trump. She flirts with him. She's a very pretty girl. If you've got it, use it." Seriously, ladies...use it to get a free drink if you must, but leave it out of the workplace! I really hope that Trump looks back on the footage of this show and is embarrassed by Erin, because if he doesn't/isn't then he's condoning some really gross behavior.
Magna gets their reward and the vision of the team bouncing around like a barrel of monkeys will stay with me for a very long time (mostly just Bren and Tana). I'm going to try to not think of it as a metaphor since NetWorth isn't here. But the giggly bouncing and "whee!" strikes me as so funny! Alex really tries too hard to extend the metaphor to Networth by referring to Erin and Stephanie as "space cadets"...something else I haven't heard since 1988.
Angie tells Erin that she is taking her to the boardroom and Erin gets really ticked, only she knows she deserves to go so she seems caught between defiance and knowing that she earned it. Which almost makes me think that there's some complexity to Erin, but since this internal battle is common among grounded teenagers, not so much. Erin says "I can't be the quarterback and the running back". So she doesn't know anything about power tools but she knows all about football, huh? Ever heard of a quarterback sneak, Erin? You can be both...only you were neither. But good effort trying to confuse Angie with football. Erin posits that Angie and the rest of the team didn't let the audience participate in the clinic. Only Trump already gave them that feedback. Is it too much to ask for an original thought here? Erin says that she isn't afraid of the boardroom and that she thinks it's fun because when she speaks "it's poignant and accurate". Really? Well, it isn't going to be so fun tonight! Well, actually, for me it is but not for you.
In the boredroom, Trump asks Angie why they lost. Angie says that they were down one team member because of Erin's "I'm too cute to use power tools" bull. Erin says the team ganged up on her (um, yeah, because they had to do all the work...hello!). George even lets Erin have it ( I secretly think that Carolyn represents Trump's intellect and George represents his conscience...lets' see how that theory plays out for the rest of the season). I so love George right now! If I was a cheerleading beauty queen, I'd say "go! George!". Trump didn't like the idea for the workshop and he also doesn't like chewing tobaccy. And just when I decided that I did not want to hear the word spittoon one more time, Chris referred to it as a "splitoon". Whee! Erin tries to direct attention to Chris' chew habit and Angie sends Stephanie upstairs.
Trump boots the Apprentae out and has a little chitty-chat with the scarecrow and the tin-man. I mean with Carolyn and George. C and G both really like Angie. She did make some bad decisions but her leadership and execution were solid. Totally agree. Bad decisions are easy to point out in hindsight (and considering Trump's bankruptcy record...I'm just saying). OK, so I would not have had Chris on the demo stage. But as far as picking the project, it looked like a winner to me too...not really something I would have in my house though. So I can't really fault her for that. Angie admits that she could have done a better job. Trump tells her that because of Carolyn and George's endorsement, he won't fire her but since she's not as cute as Erin and Stephanie, she needs to watch herself (OK, maybe I'm reading a little bit into his comments). Once Trump tells Angie that she is safe, Erin going into full-on assault mode against Chris. Chris is So Angry (but Angry like a little boy to the point where it's laughable)! He really needs to get some help. Trump can't get over the tobacco thing. Blame your producers for not screening that out. He should have never been here if that's a problem. Chris refers to himself as "integral" only I don't think he was implying that he is an integer. I think he was trying to say that he has integrity. And nothing builds respect and confidence more than chewing tobacco and malapropisms.
Trump tells Angie that Erin, who thinks toilet seats are gross and takes joy in the fact that she has never touched a power tool, could have done the demonstration. What you talking about Mr. Trump? This is so weird. I think he loves her. Trump says that he'll listen to George and Carolyn and keep Angie. Erin smart-mouths back "do you have to?" and then winks at Trump. Yeah, then he unceremoniously fires her. She thought she would skate out of there....hah! See, flirting and acting ridiculous and all cutesy is fine and good, but you don't sass the Trump. Erin gets up really fast like she's embarrassed and she should be but for different reasons. She looks like she is going to go back into the boardroom for a second. But she doesn't. She takes her silver shoes and her pink suitcase (wow, does it actually say Barbie on the side?) down the elevator. Only she must have changed in the elevator because those silver shoes didn't seem to make it out of the building on her feet (we should discuss evening wear versus professional attire, no?).
Trump refers to Erin as a "wise guy" and uncontrollable. He thinks all 3 were terrible and I think there must be something else about Angie he doesn't like because she was not all that terrible.
Next time: Chris is Angry. They refer to him as a "candidate on the edge" only don't get too excited because the producers are yanking our collective chain. He's probably on the edge of the curb or on the edge of his seat. The previews don't really show him acting any more angry than he already has. It's just that they want you to tune in to see if it's possible for a human head to explode from anger. The chewing tobacco just makes it more messy. Then they show the remaining apprentae in brackets and refer to them as the "elite eight" which is so laughable and a crime against basketball and good taste.
And just as I was thinking that we were rid of Erin, her cab ride includes her stated goal is to become the "Tool Time Chick". Great aspiration, Erin, and right up your alley. "All is well in Erin-land". Indeed.