OK, this recap is tough for me because I really dislike almost all of them at this point and I hated this episode. I need to keep reminding myself that the producers are pushing my buttons. But this one was bad…the people that already bugged me, bugged me more. Winning by being the lesser of 2 evils still makes you evil. Anyhoo…just wanted to preface this crud fest.
First….Erin…please stop talking. PLEASE! Did you just say “exemption schmubxemtion”. Are you sure that you are an attorney? Really? I can just imagine her saying “jurisprudence schmuridge bloodance”. Please…please…less camera time for Erin.
Everyone is talking about how much they dislike Michael. Yes, the team bonds over how much of a jerk he was last week. It’s good to have a common bond…too bad it’s a negative one. He apologizes…none too sincerely. And I’m pretty sure everyone still wants him gone (and take Erin with you!).
Trump gives the apprentae the next assignment from the limo. Yes, the Donald phones it in. Nice. He tells them that they are meeting with Donny Deutsch (I think I called him Danny last week…sorry). Yada, yada…launch Dove Cool Moisture (ice cream or lotion?). The apprentae meet with Donny and we learn that it is body wash that they will be promoting. Is anyone else besides me kind of bored that the tasks so far have been so marketing/promotion focused? ZZZZZZZZ. A little variety would be nice…a distribution task, something involving more negotiating. No, evidently, consumer marketing is the theme this season. Please let it end.
So Donny says he’s looking for originality. And if by that he meant that he hopes the commercials suck, he’s about to get just what he asked for. The fact that we are going to hear the words “vegetable porn” several times during the episode should have been our first clue that this was going to hell in a hand basket. Sadly, I felt a commitment to blog on this fiasco…otherwise I would have done something fun with my time instead like clean my oven or drink Taster’s Choice.
What the Apprentae still have not figured out is that there is a core task and then there’s something that gets said that totally throws them off. It’s really just too easy to throw them off, it’s just no fun anymore. Advertising 101: the ad needs to communicate your value proposition to your target audience. These people wouldn’t know a value prop from a schamlue schmop (oops, sorry, I was channeling Erin). As we see, neither team communicated any of the product attributes that the their target market would care about. Anyway, I’m jumping too far ahead.
Erin thinks she should be project manager for Magna and states that she has no advertising experience. I see some glimmering hope that she will be gone soon. She refers to their project as an “extravaganza”…fabulous. Lecherous Bren (ew!) starts to talk about washing cucumbers. Mike doesn’t like the “gay part”. Hmm, what about the bad taste part…how does that sit with ya? This idea is so off the core message (value prop people!), that I look forward to Magna going down in flames. Let’s just get this over with quickly.
Over at Networth, Kristen volunteers to be project manager because her boyfriend is a director (ah, the expertise by association school of thought…I get it). I’m hoping that Kristen’s boyfriend lives in Van Nuys directs vegetable pornos so that we have a real contest here. We never find out if that’s true because Kristen’s lack of anything resembling leadership so distracts us from everything else that this team does. Audra has a “great idea” involving a shower and water and as ridiculous as this sounds at the time, I end up wishing that Networth listened to her. Instead they go with John’s marathon idea because sweaty, sporty men are clearly the target market for this stuff. Yeah, well, at least they realize that humor is importnat…I mean, until Kristen touches it.
Magna’s “talent” is angry at them for being late. They should be angry because the commercial is insulting. But Trump only paid them to be angry because the apprentae were late. This whole exchange is a waste. I’m trying to find someone that is likable OR qualified here. Someone help me.
Kristen and Audry duke it out…wow, major hostility there. Perhaps some cucumber body wash would calm them down! Could I offer you some Taster’s Choice? No? How about a Western Bacon Cheeseburger while I serenade you on my guitar…nevermind.
Trump steps in and makes some big statements about lazy people settling for mediocrity. In expressing his distaste for mediocrity, he’s basically telling us that he hates it more than vegetable porn, right? That’s all he needed to say. Be completely distasteful, but if you are mediocre, you are outta here.
I’ve decided that the actor who plays the marathon runner should be Trumps apprentice because he’s the only one questioning why he is putting body wash on his face (value proposition!!!). I would also like to see him make that face in the boardroom. I think Carolyn would laugh.
Erin washing the model’s abs…make it stop! Then shooting the vegetable footage. I can’t believe this…and that Michael is the voice if reason. I have definitely fallen through a hole in the space/time continuum. This cannot be real. You know the only thing that could make it even more surreal is stupid costumes…oh wait! You know what makes me want to take a shower? A chef.
Then we see the commercials. Oh, the humanity! When Donny tells you he “appreciates the effort” (not even “good effort”), you really stink and it’s not cucumbers that smell. Neither of the teams really got the product or the target customer. The porn and the washing your face with no water thing just adds to the grossness. My favorite word of this episode…”unrefreshing”. Word.
Erin talking the the camera sounds like “blah, blah, <baby talk> blah”. Michael decides to “be nice to everybody”…don’t hurt yourself dude. He’s like my crockpot….just 2 settings. Bren is scared…as he should be (Alex says he will miss Bren). And he starts in the with the “no sleep” defense. He’s gross. Kristen starts coalition building only nobody will back her up (I have some new-found respect for Tana). Holy cow…the defensive posturing that is going on here! Some of these people should not be in the business world. Kristen starts blaming Audry <collective eye roll>.
Everyone in the boardroom and the Trumpster is P-Oed. Erin starts talking again “blah, blah, like, blah and totally, blah”. They force us to look at the commercials again. Yay, what a fabulous idea…an advertisement targeted at women where the woman in the ad ends up ticked and alone at the end. This is 50 kinds of wrong. Then we see the goofy marathon commercial. Kristen is officially un-funny.When Carolyn has to explain to you how not funny you are…you are REALLY not funny! And do any of those people look like they are running a marathon…on the sidewalk?
Chris jumps in to affirm his heterosexuality. Not for any reason. Just because. How uncomfortable was that? Hey dude, the part that made it bad wasn’t the homosexuality…it was the sexuality. Nobody cares that you like girls!
Final boardroom: Erin (bad bangs), Bren (bad idea), Michael (bad attitude), Kristen (bad suit)…and also her bad choices to join her: Tana and Audry.
Erin sings “we are family” (someone somewhere is blaming spongebob squarepants for this….probably Chris). Trump fires Kristen and her pink suit. Then we see the world premier of the real Dove commercial (not superbowl material), where we see more disturbing stereotypes perpetuated. This episode was a train wreck from beginning to end. I am embarrassed for everyone involved, including myself for watching. Sorry if you were looking for deeper analysis here. You’ve got to have something to build on and I am at a loss.
Next week, the contestants turn a trailer into a mobile business and I can’t wait to see who is a “trailer expert”.