Many moons ago(well about 4 years) we were using a top 10 list as an ice breaker for SQL Server User Group and Conference Sessions. Through a combo of my limited memory plus Michael Raheem and Patrick Conlan’s archives I’ve managed to find most of the list. As we are starting a new conference season I wanted to see if these are still funny and if you folks have any better/newer. Below is our top 10, plus some that did not make, if you come up with a rib tickler that we use I’ll arrange to send you some SQL Server SWAG.
10 …your closet is ordered by size, then colour, then style
9 …your first reaction to your kids credit card/phone bill is to ROLLBACK
8 …you spend your lunch break inventing new DBCC commands
e.g. DBCC LOSE_DATA(‘annoying_user’) WITH NORECOVERY
7 …your partner asks you to figure out which kids want chocolate ice cream at the birthday party and you instantly start coding the query in SQL.
6 …you make a backup-copy of your ring binder, store it in the “offsite” shed and restore it twice a year to make sure it works
5 …you remove the cursor from your computer and use the keyboard because “cursors are the devils seed”
4 …when your partner asks you to tidy up you run a DBCC
3 …your grocery list is normalized.
2 …the high point of your day is killing an offending user process
1 …you debate adding an index or deleting a user for performance improvement.
And the ones that did not make it;
…you understand the need to answer a question with another question
…you know the developers mean well
…you think SQLCLR is a 4 letter word
…Scott Adams is writing your autobiography
(This post was brought to you through the wonders of modern scheduling technology as Euan is actually relaxing in Vegas, normal service such as the approval of comments and the deleting of spam will commence on his return)