Top 10 Signs you are a DBA(or have been one for too long)

Many moons ago(well about 4 years) we were using a top 10 list as an ice breaker for SQL Server User Group and Conference Sessions. Through a combo of my limited memory plus Michael Raheem and Patrick Conlan's archives I've managed to find most of the list. As we are starting a new conference season I wanted to see if these are still funny and if you folks have any better/newer. Below is our top 10, plus some that did not make, if you come up with a rib tickler that we use I'll arrange to send you some SQL Server SWAG.

10   ...your closet is ordered by size, then colour, then style

9   ...your first reaction to your kids credit card/phone bill is to ROLLBACK

8 spend your lunch break inventing new DBCC commands
        e.g. DBCC LOSE_DATA(‘annoying_user’) WITH NORECOVERY

7   ...your partner asks you to figure out which kids want chocolate ice cream at the birthday party and you instantly start coding the query in SQL.

6 make a backup-copy of your ring binder, store it in the "offsite" shed and restore it twice a year to make sure it works 

5 remove the cursor from your computer and use the keyboard because “cursors are the devils seed”

4   ...when your partner asks you to tidy up you run a DBCC

3   ...your grocery list is normalized.

2   ...the high point of your day is killing an offending user process

1 debate adding an index or deleting a user for performance improvement.

And the ones that did not make it; understand the need to answer a question with another question know the developers mean well think SQLCLR is a 4 letter word
 ...Scott Adams is writing your autobiography


(This post was brought to you through the wonders of modern scheduling technology as Euan is actually relaxing in Vegas, normal service such as the approval of comments and the deleting of spam will commence on his return)

Comments (6)
  1. Matt Brelje says:

    How about these:

    Your sock and underwear drawer is in 5th Normal Form

    A euphamism with your wife is to ask her to enable the Distributed Transaction Coordinator

    When co-workers ask, "How was your weekend?" you reply with "Did you check the log?"

    Your auto mechanic suggested a Maintenance Plan, but you declined because those are for sissies.


  2. Matt,

    Nice one, I especially like the maintenance plan comment, lets see if anyone else is awake out there!

  3. svenhitrain says:

    Listening to Sinead O’Connor "Nothing Compares to you" on the radio I thought that must be a song about NULL-values…

    (1 dba(s) affected.)

  4. Svetlana says:

    … your fill factor after dinner is 100% and you can read only


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