my emotional roller coaster and my soulless blog

Where are all the personal posts ai? What happened to you ai? UNSUBSCRIBE, AI, I'm unsubscribing.

su says (10:31 PM):
the blog is getting very very techie
su says (10:31 PM):
no soul anymore in it

Yeah, I've gone all techie with my blog. Because I did what I do best when I need to run away from a situation, dive knee deep into something else so that the thing that's really bothering me, doesn't anymore. Or rather, I can get a few material wins to feel good about myself. I can control my destiny at work, for example. I work hard, and I see results. Unlike when I deal with humans.

So, I've gone underground a little bit. Sure. And I haven't spoken about what has really been bothering me. It all started late last year. I got excited by something my sister had told me about. My sister kinda introduced me to someone - a girl. My sister doesn't do this often. She's never done it, in fact. You need to understand that I'm close to my sister, but we don't ever discuss my personal life. But it was my sister, I love her more than I can explain - she's my rock, she's my glue. (without getting in to the details) Because of the kind of trust I have in my sister, I think I liked this girl my sister was going to introduce me to before I'd even met her. Because my sister said this girl was amazing. And she was. She is.

But things didn't pan out. I wish I knew why. She kinda cold-turkey stopped talking to me. And, how do you diagnose cold-turkey? I was hoping my best friend's wedding would take my mind off things, which it did for a while (coz something pretty spectacular happened while I was there). So I waited to hear back from her. Valentine's day passed. And I wasn't sure I was supposed to be waiting. Not even sure what I was waiting for. And I felt like crap.

So that was my low.

But who said you couldn't buy happiness? Who said splashing some money around that you don't have can't help you bounce back? So, with my quarter-life crisis now behind me, I bought a condo. I wasn't even in the market for a condo - I just happened to be driving by this new development in South Beach, saw the property and one condo unit, and decided to buy. It was impulsive. It was instinctive. But it felt so right. It felt like I could learn to trust my instinct again. Or so I'm telling myself.

Life's looking good now. I have something phenomenal to look forward to. Of course, I've shelled out every single penny I have, and I'm broke-er than I ever was. But I'm happy.

Thanks to my boss Jas and my director Jim, I've been able to cut down dramatically on my travel. In fact, the last place I traveled to was Vegas for MIX07 back in May. I've been home for a month straight now. There is actually a distinct dent in my bed the shape of my body - something that's never been there before. I've been going to the gym regularly. I've actually put on 8 pounds of what I'd like to think is muscle mass, but my trainer thinks I'm kidding myself (and I am).

So long story short (or long story long), my soul hasn't gone anywhere. It's here (and by here, I mean Microsoft, if you know what I mean 😉 And I'm loving life.

Now playing in my head : "One Thing" by "Finger Eleven"


Comments (1)
  1. Su says:

    That’s great Ai. Happy for you. I’m glad things are working out professionally for you.

    My life seems to be going the exact opposite way. I have an amazing emotional account bank balance. My husband over-drafts me with love.

    However, I feel lost professionally. It’s hard running a business when you’re  25 and having to be the clerk, CEO and HR manager all at once. You see the hopeful faces of people working for you and you die of guilt everyday that you’re not able to make the kind of contacts you want to.

    I look wistfully as my husband jet-sets around the world, doing important things and meeting important people while I walk into work everyday, security guards saluting me, secretly wilting within. It’s hard settling down back home.

    None of us get everything. Do we ?

    It’s nice that you build a safe and happy environment for yourself before you choose to share it with someone. Even the greatest love of your life may pale if you feel frustrated and disappointed about your environment.

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