please, no more pain, no more drama


What is up with the universe?


I’m usually a rather upbeat guy. Fairly happy-go-lucky. It takes a lot of misery, pain or trouble to bring me down. I can’t tell you that I have been happy lately – there’s a lot thats bothering me, and its all bubbled up and soon that little bubble is going to burst and I might end up doing some rather strange things (no, I haven’t bought a gun) (yet). So, I’ve decided to let it all out…


In the past few weeks, I’ve been submerged with work. I wasn’t doing any live MSDN shows, but I’ve been in training and finally made the move in to the city. I’ve had very little time for myself, but I haven’t been needing it. I haven’t watched TV in about 6 weeks (which is really huge for me – I am a sitcom addict). I haven’t had high-speed internet at my new place for a couple of weeks now. But I’ve been keeping myself as busy as possible, because I have been running away from reality. I can’t face this, and why should I?


In early July, we heard about the bombings in London. We were warned about hurricanes in Florida. Torrential rains in Bombay. 14 marines killed in one day in Iraq. Political tension in the Gaza strip. A second wave of bombings in London. And when do I stop?


A couple of days ago, I was chatting with some colleagues about “the future”. We were talking about kids, relationships and anything pertaining to life as you get older. Do people today realize the number of things that can go wrong in your life? Have we stopped to think for one minute the risks and dangers of just living life, everyday, everyday? With all that happening around me, I find it challenging to just live life and to go on everyday. Why do we even consider having relationships with people; especially people who can think? What is up with prenuptial agreements and having separate bank accounts? Where is the trust? What is the point of getting married and making a vow to stay with the “love of your life” for the rest of your freakin’ life if you even have the slightest inkling that something may go wrong in the future?


And why do we think about bringing children in to this world?  Please don’t get me wrong – I have a 2 year old niece who I love to death, and who I care for very dearly. And when I am with her, I feel like a protective parent. I watch her every move and if she so much as bumps her head on a soft pillow, it pains me. But I can’t imagine not sleeping for the rest of my life being concerned about my kids. And if something were to happen, anything (and I don’t want to get too descriptive), how will I be able to continue to live my life and to deal with whatever has happened? I can’t imagine not sleeping for the rest of my life imagining what it’d be like if my wife were to suddenly decide one day “you know what you neurotic freak, I’ve decided I need a new husband”. Why are we taking these chances? Why are we setting ourselves up for failure?


I know I’m starting to sound a little vague... You remember the Morgan Lee story, right? I can’t remember the last time something I’d heard about or seen on TV naturally brought tears to my eyes. But this story just crushed me. And to think that Morgan Lee’s parents could continue to live life, to channel their pain towards a noble effort, and then to have another child - whoa! I couldn’t do it.


I’m putting up a charade. I appear happy and jovial and skip in to work every day, but there’s this pain about the world inside of me. And I don’t know what to do about it…


Bah! Whatever…


AI
PS: Was joking about the gun thing

Comments (22)

  1. Uwe says:

    Sad, but for me, ignorance is really helpful.

    Not to be proud of that, but if I would worry about all these things you talk about, I would feel rather sad, too.

    So ignorance and ignoring all these issues saves me here…

  2. Paul Ballard says:

    Consider this…

    When you look around at life and see it as painful and tragic, you are comparing it to an ideal of how you think things SHOULD be. Consider that these tragedies only occur as a problem to you because you have a commitment that the world be a better place.

    This could mean two things. First is you’re a good person who genuinely cares about other people. The second is, and this is just a context to consider not an accusation, the reason you feel bad is that the world is the way it is and you feel helpless to change it. You felt it so strongly you had to speak out on your blog. But after all, how do you as just one person change what happened in London or Iraq?

    In a course I took recently, the instructor asked us to consider that "You are comfortable standing in the sewage. You’ve been there so long you don’t even smell it anymore". It seems as though you got a good whiff recently.

    Don’t let the smell discourage you from believing in your commitment that the world be a better place. Then, when you see the actions to take, take them.

    Paul

  3. Will Barns says:

    Two things:

    Domain.

    The old saying that ‘you have to have to take the bad with the good’ is true. If bad things didn’t happen occasionally then we wouldn’t enjoy the good.

    If only one temperature existed in the universe, then you wouldn’t be aware of temperature at all. You wouldn’t be able to enjoy a warm day at the beach. If we limit the range of possible temperatures to a nice range, then we’d not only miss out on a lot (the sun, etc.) we’d also probably adjust our sensitivity to those temperatures and soon declare a bad range.

    Strange, but I think, true.

    Focus.

    There’s a lot going on out there. We can’t experience all of it — just the parts that we focus on. Don’t ignore the bad but don’t overfocus on it either. We choose what to focus on with our eyes. Do the same with your mind.

  4. Adam says:

    Funny.. i feel the same thing much too often.

  5. Uwe,

    I’ve been in the ignorance and denial phase for some time now, living in my own bubble. But who or what is to say when some of this is going to creep up on us?

  6. Paul,

    > "You are comfortable standing in the sewage.

    > You’ve been there so long you don’t even

    > smell it anymore". It seems as though you

    > got a good whiff recently.

    I have been, every now and then, getting whiffs of ‘stuff’. But I’m not sure I want to stand in the sewage. And I’m not sure that running away from these issues will mean that I wont be standing in sewage somewhere else.

    I look at things from an ‘engineering’ perspective – there’s problems, and we know we need to fix’em. Its just that I don’t know how.

    AI

  7. Will,

    I focus on a day at a time. Usually a minute at a time. But every now and then, I have a conversation with someone about "the future" or I wake up some day and it takes up to 3 minutes for me to realize who or where I am, and a couple of weeks ago, I noticed a grey hair on the right side of my head, and then I think about the future. And what its all about? And if there is one (a future)…

    Its Tuesday morning now… I’m back to living life a minute at a time this week.

    AI

  8. Adam,

    Maybe we should form a little club. I’m not sure what we’d do though…

    AI

  9. Uwe Keim says:

    Yes, I have fear of that, too…

  10. Adam says:

    Im for it.. not much we can do though.. but im sure discussing it over a forum we create will alleviate stress over it and maybe release feelings from it as well… =)

    adanp@malibuboats.com

  11. isobelle says:

    AI,

    I’m trying to sound half way intelligent. If we don’t get angry, if you arent angry or sad, about the way things are, if it doesn’t turn our stomachs to think about how f*ed up the world is, human injustices, and rights violations, terrorism, and or just people using people as kleenex, then I believe we are just stupid or we don’t care. Some of the time in our sleepwalking myopic view of the world, days of work and home and cell phones and driving, we are shaken up by the world, neither judging how things are supposed to be, just for lack of sounding buddist, what is. How to negotiate the insanity is a prolific question such as why are we here?

    What if you wake up someday and say "I don’t want to be a husband anymore?" Pain is part of of life, we are all pleasure seekers, but alot of growth can come from pain even if it sucks. Also shared pain helps, i.e family members at a funeral, getting closer than ever after a loved one dies. Are we just to be content in our blissful arrogant lives, where pain is having too long of a line for a latte? Definition, and perspective are all personal to everyone. Not changing is the hard part, remembering who we are at the core and forgivness when we forget. Somehow, I don’t know, how something, can usually snap us back in balance. I find the older I get the more slack there is. Faith maybe? Keep the faith.

  12. Adam says:

    The thing that makes it harder for me is that.. we do it to ourselves, yet everyone fails to see the corruption and wrongfulness within our nation as well as some of the other nations (Not to mention our streets alone). I’ve got too many friends in the marines serving this country for a reason which I cant see… a couple buddies lost walking down the street or just at the wrong place at the wrong time, and the concern of some day trying to raise children in the environment which I struggle to understand.. This life we live is becoming more and more like a movie…. we need to realize the reality of it.

  13. isobelle,

    > Faith maybe? Keep the faith.

    Profound – and I agree… I have a friend who lives everyday just keeping the faith. One of the most spiritual people I know. I’ve asked him how he keeps himself upbeat all the time, and he says its the faith. I had plenty of faith growing up… Somehow, somewhere, in this mass transit system we call life, I left it behind somewhere.

    AI

  14. Adam,

    The trend I seem to notice from everyone’s posts on this topic seems to be that there’s this perception of reality that we have. We expect life to be a certain way and that is what would make it perfect for us. And when things don’t quite flow that way, we’re disappointed. I know I’m stating the obvious right now. But I suppose the lesson to learn is that we cannot expect anything from life anymore. We can’t expect anything from anyone.

    I salute your friends and their willingness to fight for their country. Some of us have it way too easy. Some others are willing to step up to the frontlines and defend us.

    I wish I could find more optimism to know that "everything will be all right" with the child I’m going to have. I know its going to happen – I absolutely want a baby girl (after all my experiences with my niece). At some point I’ll have to learn that my child will know how to defend himself or herself, and be opinionated in his or her own way about this world.

    I guess between making my a kid an artist, a philanthropist, a musician, a quarterback, a point guard, and a rocket scientist, he or she will have little time left to think about anything else. But I’ll leave that up to her (or him).

  15. Ranjrover says:

    Every single day – all I do is pray for more time to sleep and the day to last a bit longer! Seriously. You need to get busy with a wife and some kids. It is a bad bad world out there but then like Isobelle said – faith and belief are the magic words. Trust me, it works. Life is never a bed full of roses.

    Now I am not stating the obvious either but whatever you do, life is going to be full of ups and downs. I am married with a lovely kid but I am so uncertain about the future. Its better that way coz we look forward to each day not knowing what’s coming up. This way you don’t get shocked when something drastic happens. It gives you more strength to deal with the situation.

    I cannot say that I have had the best times, all the time. It gets better or worse and better again. Your confidence will make the other person be in awe of you.

    It may sound mean but just stop worrying about these things. Just sigh and say – Oh dear. And what you can do is just be a good person by giving donations, helping people out, being totally honest (where you need to be) and fear God. Believe me, you will feel a lot better then.

    Another suggestion – please change your profession and become a full time nanny for my kid! You will never have time to think about thinking…

  16. Weddings says:

    What is up with the universe? I’m usually a rather upbeat guy. Fairly happy-go-lucky. It takes a lot of misery, pain or trouble to bring me down. I can’t tell you that I have been happy lately – there’s a lot thats bothering me, and its all bubbled u

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