Warning! Warning! New Laptop Encountered!

So at last my new company computer arrived. And, like all competent technology users, I carefully perused the operating manual before starting it up the first time. You never know, it might say something important. And what I found has made me wonder if I actually dare use it at all.

For a start, the machine is supposed to be a Windows 8 equipped touch-screen laptop, but amongst the dire warnings on the “Safety Precautions” page is this:

Perhaps the latest update to Windows incorporates voice recognition or mind-reading capabilities instead. Though, I’m not sure the machine is actually a laptop at all. It also says:

Obviously that’s why they have to call them “Notebooks” now. It’s probably some EU directive designed to protect careless users from “hot leg syndrome”. In fact there’s even a section labeled “DC Fan Warning” on page 5 of the manual that says “the DC Fan is a moving part that may cause DANGER” (their capitals) and that you should “ensure you keep your body from the moving fan blades”. I reckon you’d need to have a body even smaller than a size zero fashion model, or at least have very thin fingers, to fit through the grille.

But, moving on, there’s also useful advice for that situation when you have a problem with your domestic heating system, and decide to email the supplier to ask for advice:

And should you decide, after all these warnings, to take a chance and use the computer there’s also some additional precautions you should take when selecting USB leads and other peripherals. For example, it seems that I should only use leads that are made here in the UK rather than any that might be classed as “foreign”:

Mind you, because the computer was (like every other item of technology I own) made in China, maybe it means I should only use Chinese leads and peripherals.  Or does it mean that I CAN carefully insert foreign objects into it, and it’s only a problem when I carelessly or brutally “shove” them into the machine?

And then, last of all, it says that “incorrect installation of battery may cause explosion and damage”. Perhaps I should get our ‘Elf and Safety people to have a good look at the machine first before I risk my life (and sanity) by switching it on...

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